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Small steps · a trail

What the envy is telling you

Six steps through the feeling nobody admits to: what it points at, why it isn’t a character flaw, the belief underneath it, the arithmetic error, the trade you wouldn’t actually make, and what to do with what’s left.

  1. Step 1 of 6What the envy is pointing atEnvy only fires for things you actually want — which makes it information about you rather than a verdict on them. The trick is decoding it.3 min · one small step
  2. Step 2 of 6Envy can be grief in disguiseFor the envy that fires at other people’s childhoods: it usually isn’t wanting what they have. It’s mourning something you didn’t get and never chose.3 min · one small step
  3. Step 3 of 6Jealousy is the smoke, not the fireThe feeling isn’t the problem to solve. Underneath it is a belief about what your lack means — and that belief is the root you keep not pulling.3 min · one small step
  4. Step 4 of 6Their win is not your lossThe accounting error underneath a lot of envy: treating someone else’s success as a withdrawal from your account. Nothing left when they arrived.2 min · one small step
  5. Step 5 of 6The whole-life tradeA line one person had passed on to them: you can’t envy a slice. The trade is everything for everything — their job, their parents, their mess included.3 min · one small step
  6. Step 6 of 6Turn the rival into a teacherOne person’s correction, made mid-sentence and out loud: not jealous of my friend — inspired by them. Then the question: what do they know that I don’t?3 min · one small step
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